Day 7 - continued (a very long one)

So here I am again, the second time I am making two posts in one day.
I had a really difficult day today, I think because for the first time I was not running around except to have lunch with a friend, so I was not very busy, thus leaving me more time to think. Second, a number of comments to my posting of this morning left me feeling...unbent. Not because I disagree with anything that people said. But rather because I agree with everything they said, and it reflects how difficult and layered the situation is.

Before I start, I want to thank those of you who took the time to respond and comment. I am amazed that there is even one person who wants to read this, let alone a whole bunch of you. I also want to reiterate that this blog is just my scattered thoughts and observations. I am putting into words what I am seeing and feeling, and so it's not meant to be an in-depth analysis in any way shape or form.

Having said that, a couple of you made comments to me that were very important (I will paste some of them anonymously below), pointing out things that I know but that I did not mention in my previous post bc they were not part of the conversation I was recapitulating (is that an English word?) or part of my train of thought at that moment.

Now some touchy feely stuff. One of the reasons I sort of lost it today was because I feel like I have to apologize. I sometimes feel I owe an apology to everyone. I feel like I have to apologize to the Jews and Israelis for being pro-Palestinian. I feel like I have to apologize to the Palestinians for saying good things about Israel. I feel guilty saying good things about Israel, like I have been caught doing something forbidden. I feel guilt at being here on vacation and not going to demonstrations and engaging in activism (as if once in a decade I'm not entitled).

Earlier today I went for a long walk feeling very melancholic. I walked through my old neighbourhood and went into some of the stores I used to shop in (as well as some of the beautiful new ones that were not there when I lived here). I walked past beautiful houses that I could never afford in a million years. And as I was walking and thinking (very guiltily) about maybe I would live here again one day, I started to ask myself: Can I not just live like everyone else? Can't I just live a regular life in a house with my kids and go to work and visit friends and do karate and buy new boots - and not feel guilty? Can't I just be NORMAL like everyone else around me???? What do I need this for? Why am I not entitled to just live my life worrying about me and mine and not worry about other things that for the most part are out of my control? Why this need to be involved??? Life would be so much easier if I was just Plain Jane.

It comes back to the bubble. Can someone live here and enjoy all the good things about Israel and at the same time be a political activist and not go crazy?? There is evidence that indicates that this is possible :) There are a lot of activists who live here and stay here and are quite sane as far as I can tell. Could I? I really do not know. I know for sure that these visits are fucking hard, and really the reason I stopped coming for so long. Perhaps in time one develops an immunity to all this. But all I can say is that at the moment, I don't want to come back bc this is just too exhausting.

And now I feel guilty again bc here I am talking about how hard this all is on me and meantime, 15 minutes away from here and all over the country (and all over the world)...well, you know.

I'll make a great Jewish grandmother, with all this guilt. Oy.

Now for some of the comments that were sent to me today. I will also comment on the comments - hey, it's my blog! :)

1. "There has always been a Jewish presence there [in Jerusalem] with many Jewish areas...it [my comment] doesn't refer to the continous Jewish life in Jerusalem over the milennia." This is of course true, and not only of Jerusalem, but of all of Israel. There were always Jews here. As I mentioned above, what I was trying to convey was not an accurate historical account, but a snapshot of what is going thru my mind. Everywhere you look you are reminded (if you want to see it, that is) of what used to be here. And in Jerusalem this is even more so bc of the architecture, the population, the religious sites, the division of the city... I just find myself asking myself ' who used to live here? where are they now? What was this town called before 1948?'. I don't know why I don't have the same reaction at home in Canada, where we could be asking the very same questions. How many of us know which Native Canadian tribe/tribes inhabited our area? And even if we do know the name of the tribe, what do we know about them? How did they used to live? Where are they now? What has happened to them, their culture, their societies? Another bubble, I guess - but for some reason one I am capable of living within.
2. "Israel is a country that relatively quickly shifted from a liberal-welfare state to one of the most blatant swinish capitalisms in the Western worlds.
   As a result, a very narrow strata of people have become amazingly rich. On the other hand, a vast majority of the population at the bottom of the socio-economic scale are decidedly poor by Western World standards.
   Moreover, the middle class is gradually shrinking, some say, not so gradually.
   The educational system is disintegrating and is now positioned at the very end of the Western World. The health system is in the same position. It is really difficult to survive today in Israel without private health insurance. As to the social safety net, it survives only on life support systems.
   I could go and and on, but I won't, I just want to add that all these Wonderful" things are happening to a small country that is getting approximately 5-6 billion dollars per year from the US and World Jewry. At the same time, do you know where does most of the income that Israel garners out of foreign trade come from? You may know or you may have guessed, Arms sales. Israel is the fourth largest arms trader in the world. It sells arms to some of the darkest regimes in the world." This is another of the comments I got following today's email. Yes, the gap between rich and poor is obscene. What is going on in the middle of the country, and in particular in the areas of northern Tel Aviv, is not typical of what is going on everywhere. As I mentioned the other day, my friend told me that there is not a single park in Nazareth. I have to admit that my life here does not revolve around the poorest of the poor of Israel. Although far from wealthy, I consider myself privileged. Today I went to visit my friend at the high-tech company where I used to work and where we met. She is a secretary. When I came home, my sister told me that her husband is friends with the new CEO. So while she is obviously running in certain circles, these are not the circles I run in. We were in Beer Sheva this Saturday - there too there is unbelieveable change and expansion. I would also like to add - and this too is my personal observation, not based on any studies of the situation - that there appears to be an awful lot of investing by foreigners from all over, in industries such as the high tech industries. One of them, just as an example, is green technology around water conservation, an area that has developed out of simple need, not any altruistic reasons. I am not in any way denying the above, but I sense that it is somewhat nuanced. I also wanted to include it bc one of the questions that was asked was: "Where is the money coming from to create "the boom" you describe?"
3. "The comparison between Sderot and Gaza doesn't really hinge only on the occupation and the atrocities it perpetuates on a daily basis. Things that anywhere else in the world would be considered major war crimes and gross violations of the Geneva Convention. The main thing is that Israel is killing Gazans on a daily basis. Fourty, during the past two weeks alone. Of course, if you believe Israel, they kill only militants and regrettably, a few collateral damage cases. Right after the abduction of Gilad Shalit, Israel killed over 400 people in Gaza (in one month), the vast majority, innocent civilians. On the other hand, the total number of fatalities not only in Sderot but also all around the Gaza border is about six. Enough said." You see? This is why I feel so guilty all the time!!!!!!!! I wanted to include this comment bc it is intense and needs to be stated and re-stated. The comparison, however, was just made as part of the conversation that was taking place and that I was describing to you. For the record, the person who made this comment (and the one before it) is a walking encyclopedia. If you ever need to know anything about the Arab-Israeli conflict, he's your man! :) Big hug to you.

OK, this is really long, but I feel better having written it - not that it solves my difficulty but it gets things off my chest. So again, thank you all for reading and for commenting. I really appreciate it.

Merry Christmas, to those who celebrate it.

Thanks also for the snow updates. Lots of conflicting information about which streets have been plowed (or rather, not plowed!). It seems however that our friends in Toronto are almost set to watch the crocuses come up!!!